


sitting still and focusing

by genesis_frog



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: (for the serum if that counts?), ADHD, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Gen, Lowercase, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, but both are pretty vague connections, headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 12:48:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3978658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genesis_frog/pseuds/genesis_frog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>bucky always had a hard time sitting still.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sitting still and focusing

bucky always had a hard time sitting still.

as a child, he'd befriended steve with bounding enthusiasm and seemingly endless energy. when their friendship was young, bucky didn't realize steve tired so easily, and often grew frustrated when his closest friend couldn't keep up with him. after a couple of years, bucky grew used to slowing down and waiting for steve to catch up and take a breath. bucky didn't like waiting, but he was willing to do it if it helped steve.

bucky didn't do well in school. he was a daydreamer, constantly getting rapped on the knuckles for staring off into space, or for standing in the middle of class, or for blurting answers out of turn. what he was taught did not register in his mind. he forgot materials at home, when he had had plenty of time to prepare for them or bring them in.

the barnes parents were concerned for their son. they heard rumors that many children who experienced similar symptoms had been dropped on their head as a baby. the barneses had no recollection of ever dropping their son on his head. however, bucky's parents assured them that he would grow up fine, as many other children in similar situations supposedly did. with that, winifred and george were satisfied, and they waited.

bucky did not grow out of it.

he did not take well to sitting still, and when he did, he fidgeted. his hands tangled themselves up in his lap, they tapped out rhythms to songs only he could hear, his feet shuffled when he sat.

his habit of daydreaming carried into conversation, even when talking to steve he might find himself thinking about the new sign down the road, or about how he might get steve's medicine that week, now that sarah was gone. when he spoke, he found it difficult to stop, babbling on and on about seemingly nothing, going from dinner that night to the threat of war in seeming minutes, extravagant gestures and fast-moving feet.

bucky was an impatient man who walked briskly, hated long lines, and did things as fast as he could. when steve was sick, he'd sit at steve's bedside, daydreaming while the younger slept, half distracting himself from the restlessness and impatience he felt. he would sit, and then stand, and pace, and steve often told bucky to sit because he was walking in steve's only light, and he needed to draw this now while he's still inspired, and the sun's going down too.

bucky was also incredibly disorganized. more than once he found himself going to work sockless, not being able to find a pair that morning (not even dirty ones!). when he would go home, he'd toss his shoes to the floor carelessly, drape his coat across the couch, leave items wherever and forget later. he'd put steve's new medicine-- Guaranteed To Work!-- on the counter, and only remember it hours after. his drawers were a mess- he usually had to rifle through them to find where he put that one thing, and then, of course, never remembering how- if at all- his spaces were organized. if steve were healthy enough, he'd pick up after bucky, and when the pair were twenty-one and twenty-two, steve got fed up with bucky's horrid systems and sorted them himself. (the real actual organizational effort lasted about three weeks on bucky's part, which was pretty remarkable by his standards.)

when bucky was drafted, basic was not easy. his fidgety, impulsive self did not mesh well with the rigid training he had to endure. eventually he learned some; he managed to be able to keep himself still and together and alert for periods of time, but that quickly exhausted him, and he found himself crashing to sleep every night. his superior officers in basic acknowledged his incredible talent for aiming and sight, and had him sent off to another bout of training to become a military sniper. which was more miserable than basic, if he were to be frank. he hated sitting still for long periods of time, hated having to watch when he could be on the front lines. but he conceded that he was most useful here, that maybe he could control his body a bit better. and he did, but only for sniping. it took all of his effort to sit still and focus, to keep track of his target, for the right moment to strike. it was, quite frankly, exhausting.

if he had thought basic training was exhausting, war was hell. his deficient focus became a constant hypervigilance, a crawling anxiety that there was a sniper trained on him, and it quickly became easier to take out the enemy one by one. it was easier to pretend that every man was out to kill him because, in essence, they were.

his unit was captured by hydra eventually, and he was locked in a cage like a circus animal.

he didn't mean to spit out all of those insults to the guards; he was mad, and sometimes his mouth moved before he thought, especially when he was angry, and he found himself calling the hydra grunt more names than he'd care to admit. he didn't mean to carry it on as long as he did, honestly. but nevertheless, the man had not been pleased, and because of it bucky was chosen to be some rat scientist's newest plaything. he found it kinda funny that the first time in his life he was completely, totally still was when he was strapped to a table being tortured.

of course steve saved him, and of course bucky was a stubborn bastard who insisted on walking despite being dragged off that table half-dead and half-dreaming, but he needed to move, he needed to feel that he can move his own body again, because his body is his, and it had been too many weeks without control.

after azzano he was quiet, more quiet than any member of the 107th ever saw him before. before he had always been babbling, always saying something, huge gestures and fingers wandering to strange places and bouncing on his heels in place, but then he was still. he fidgeted, but his fidgets were less noticeable, less bouncing and gesticulating, his fidgeting reduced itself to tangled fingers, or silent taps against his thigh, or a constant shift in seating position because nothing ever felt comfortable.

he was always lost in his own thoughts, remembering the table, and cursing himself for being stupid and letting his words get away from him. he remembered other times he did that too, and he was mad at himself for each and every time. sometimes steve caught him staring off into space, and steve comforted him, but steve didn't understand. steve didn't feel fire in his veins and constraint and not knowing exactly how his body was changing. steve didn't feel what bucky felt, steve didn't have to suffer losing himself completely. (little did bucky know, steve did.)

on the train, bucky saw steve's shield and he picked it up. he was lost in thought as he looked at it, thinking about how steve always does this, how easy he makes it look, but wow is this thing heavier than it looks, and how does steve make it look so light, and the shield was hit with an energy blast, and then the train was being blown open, and bucky's falling falling falling fa ll i ng f al l i n g f a l l i n g

when bucky barnes is not bucky barnes, he is unmade, and when he is unmade, he is the winter soldier. when bucky barnes is not bucky barnes, he is the winter soldier.

the winter soldier is quiet. he does not move out of turn. he does not speak out of turn. he appears to listen to everything he is told. but he does not hear. he is wrapped up in his head.

he thinks about blonde. blonde men. he sees a blonde head in his mind. he does not understand why people talk to him. tell him things. he does not listen. he thinks about blonde heads. he thinks the blonde head belonged to a blonde man.

he sees many blonde men. but they are not right. he is distracted by the blonde men. his handlers don't like that. the handlers tell him to look at them. the handlers tell him to listen. he thinks about the wrong blonde men anyway.

when he is put on ice he does not dream. he does not sleep. he simply exists. he would say that it is sad. but the winter soldier does not understand emotion. he does not get distracted by blonde heads. he cannot listen to his handlers. because his handlers don't speak when he's frozen.

when it has been many decades since bucky barnes was not bucky barnes anymore, the winter soldier sees the blonde head. it is the right blonde head. it is the right blonde man. he does not know how he can tell. the blonde man is distracting.

his handler encourages him. his handler says that he is strong. his handler asks him to fight for hydra one more time. the winter soldier does not listen. the winter soldier knew the blonde man. the winter soldier knew him. the winter soldier knew steve rogers.

he is wiped again. he does not remember the blonde man. but he can recall a blonde head. the winter soldier fights him again. his handlers fall. he falls too. but he did not fall. he leapt. because the blonde man fell first. and the blonde man knew him. the winter soldier knew the blonde man. the blonde man is with him until the end of the line. and the winter soldier wants to know what that means.

the winter soldier was unmade. before the winter soldier was unmade, he was bucky barnes. the winter soldier can become bucky barnes again. one day. one day he will be bucky barnes again. that day is not today.

when the day comes, bucky barnes won't be able to sit still.

**Author's Note:**

> adhd bucky barnes. please tell me if i wrote something incorrectly- while i am adhd myself, im more on the inattentive side, and i pretty much wrote bucky as mostly hyperactive, with a lot of inattentive tendencies!


End file.
